The notion of mans strength is unfairly determined by social values, or what one perceives to be social values. Strength in a man is typically outlined by not showing emotion, being able to provide, and being able to defend oneself and others. But who determined this? Historically, in many (patriarchal) cultures, it was determined that the men should provide and the women should raise the family. Everyone had a role. And if you couldn’t stick to your role then you were a failure.

But who is to say tradition makes something correct? I implore you to ask yourself these types of questions because changing the way you view culture and tradition is vital to changing your mindset. The appeal to tradition fallacy is a fallacy I see many people use as a basis of their arguments. An easier way to explain this logical fallacy is with an example. It is widely accepted (and should be) that slavery is immoral and therefore should not be practiced. But slavery had been a practice for thousands of years and if we were to frame what we believe is right based on what has happened for a long time then we should still have slavery (at least here in America). Although this is an extreme case in history I argue that gender roles are also extreme in its sinisterly nuanced way.

Before I continue I want to state that I am not advocating for the removal of gender roles in its entirety — if you’d like to practice that in your own relationship then that is okay as long as it is consensual. Every relationship functions differently and I do not want to set up “rules” for anyone. However, I do not want people to measure their own self worth or the worth of others based on stereotypes. No one should bash another couple if they prefer to go 50/50 on bills, or if the woman works and the man does not, or if the man is not tall and muscular, or one of any other predisposed stereotypes that they’re used to. Any ones version of “normalcy” does not give them the right to criticize someone else. It should, rather, invite conversation and further understanding.

Social Programming

With that out of the way I’d like to talk about the damage that the patriarchy has done to men. These traditional gender roles are rooted in patriarchy — which to reiterate was a system created by men and maintained by majority men and some women. I want to drill into the minds of people that patriarchy is a system created by men and also negatively affects the same men. We consume gender role information from the moment we are born, and I’d argue even before that. The classic blue vs pink gender reveal. What may seem to be harmless already perpetuates gender stereotypes. A man must then not associate with feminine colors such as “pink” or they are “gay.” Parents may find it odd if their male child wants to buy a pink shirt. But colors are just colors and they have no gender identity behind them: but for some reason society has categorized them. Babies and children have no notion of society and are typically drawn to whatever naturally interests them. If it is not genuinely harmful to themselves or others then people should not impose these stereotypes on children. If a child wants an action figure or a doll then it shouldn’t matter what they identify as because it is a toy. As the same child grows older they may watch television and are then inundated with male-female relationships, or the muscular super hero, or the hardworking (but maybe stupid or inattentive) father in family shows. We are so used to seeing these dynamics that we never stop to wonder why they are the way they are. We have been programmed since birth and that is sinister.

Career Equality

Some adversaries to feminism will mock women who want equality in the job industry. They will cite that women can’t do certain tasks because they are not as smart or as strong as men. They’ll say things like “Imagine a woman on a construction site, they couldn’t possible lift <item>” or that they can’t handle the stress of certain jobs. Women are not saying that they are physically equal to all men in general but rather that they want equal opportunity to be in the same fields as other men. Jobs have job descriptions for a reason - if they can meet these expectations then they should be allowed to have the job. These same adversaries will then turn around and complain about how hard it is to be a man and work in tough fields. They will claim they have to do these jobs and that women don’t care about how they feel and how easy women have it. Furthermore, these people have been brainwashed by society (online discourse, TV, etc.) to feel the need to do these jobs. These industrial jobs are campaigned to make men feel important and strong. That no one else can do it except them. This is just psychological manipulation. Sure men are, on average, physically stronger than women and stronger people are required for certain jobs but there are many women that are physically stronger than many men and they should be considered for the same roles.

Stereotypes in jobs breed resentment and misogyny in men in the workforce. Men who are strong-willed, loud, and speak often are often perceived as a leader, strong, and capable. The same women who perform the same are seen as bossy, rude, and know-it-all. Men account for most of higher level positions on average. As of the end of 2023, women accounted for 11.8% of C-suite level positions in publicly traded companies. I find it very hard to believe that men are ~7x more capable of leading companies than women. This ratio disparity is jarring and shows how unequal, unfair, and difficult it is for women to be on equal footing with men in the corporate world. This disparity further propagates that it should be men on top and that men should strive for these positions. It paints a picture that a successful man is one with a title. It breeds resentment when women obtain a promotion that they were eyeing. If a man meets a woman who is “more successful” than them then they tend to feel offended, question how they got their position, and even discount their accomplishments. Having a title gives you more power and thus, men who only want to seek titles, tend to extend power dynamics in their own life. Power at work may give them the false impression that they have power over others outside of work, or lack of power at work may lead them to disparage other women in order to re-gain that balance.

Strength is strength. Competence is competence. You are good at your job if you can meet the demands — gender should not play a role in that. Men do not have to do “hard” jobs. Men do not have to do the unwanted jobs.

Financial Support

Some adversaries to feminism will claim that men are burdened by the fact that they must pay for everything and support the family. There is no law that you need to. There is no expectation that you must do so other than the patriarchal one that one follows. Unless you have worked with your partner and determined that you must provide for the partnership or family then this notion is of your own doing. Women have been fighting for equal opportunity, equal pay, equity in general and have been wanting to be able to support themselves for centuries. Women do not want to be financially tied to men. They want the freedom to live their life as they see fit in the same way men can. Sure there are some women that just want to be spoiled and taken care of but there are many men who want the same as well — and that is okay. It is okay if you want your partner to provide financially. It is okay if you don’t want to work. It is okay if you want to go 50/50. It is okay if you don’t make as much money as your partner. A partnership is a partnership and you should do what works for the relationship if it is feasible.

I would like to bring up that I have noticed that there is a bit of unfairness when it comes to dating in which men are typically expected to pay for the first date or subsequent dates. Even for many progressive women they may still think the man cheap or lacking in chivalry. This is a concept that I think is deeply rooted in everyone’s psyche from media/society and one that is hard to get rid of. It is an unconscious bias that both men and women hold. Obviously there are answers to this and they involve communication and reshaping mindset.

• It should be normalized to ask to split the bill at the end of a date

• On the first date you (both) should always come with the ability and expectation to split if you haven’t previously discussed it

• Understand that peoples financial status do not correlate with how much they care about you

  • This one is very relevant because I see many comments about how a man must be “broke” if they do not spoil their partner but you can be financially comfortable/rich and value your partner paying for their share. There are many people who live paycheck to paycheck and still provide everything for their partner. Money does not equate to love or care.

• Free or low cost dates are cool too! These promote the notion that cost ≠ effort.

  • Walks in the park

  • Coffee dates

  • Picnics

For future dates or in a relationship:

• Propose that initiator pays for the date

• One person covers the current date, the other person covers the next and it alternates

• Discuss 50/50!

Relationships should not be transactional. It may seem to you as chivalrous to want to get this because the other person got the last and to try to always keep it balanced, but sometimes it can diminish their efforts. What I mean by this is that sometimes someone just wants to get it because they want to. And you should respect that they want to get this for you. You should not try to force your own payment or gesture to keep things balanced because sometimes your partner/date just wants to do it to make you happy. It makes them happy and you wouldn’t want to trample on what makes them happy, right?

Lastly, for long-term relationships please discuss finances. You want to make sure that you are on the same financial page of understanding. You don’t want your partner to commit to a lifestyle they cannot afford or agree with.

Emotions

Some adversaries to feminism will claim men are more mature than women because they do not display emotion as frequently as women do. But in fact men are much more emotionally stunted instead! Boys are taught from a young age to bare the burden of the world and to not waver. To not cry or show fear. To be strong in front of others. A sort of bravado. And such they are taught that the only acceptable emotion is anger. The only acceptable outlet of their emotions is violence. Women cry and men yell. Men will then bottle up their true emotions until it becomes too much and lash out at themselves and others around them. This is what is normalized. These same adversaries will then call out women for not understanding the problems men have when they themselves don’t share their emotions and issues. How can they understand what you’re struggling with if you don’t share your feelings?

These same adversaries will claim no one cares about mens mental health when it is men themselves that shame others for showing emotion. They are called soft, weak, or “gay.” Men put other men down. Women have always been expressing their own thoughts, emotions, and feelings vocally and have pushed for men to do the same but they have always been pushed back. It is not that women don’t care about mens mental health, but the men that don’t. It further becomes hard to care about their mental health when men do not take the health of women seriously. Mental health is a real thing and should not be ignored. It is not weakness, the mind is as much you as is the body. It should be evaluated and taken care of.

It is okay to feel. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to share.

Men need to talk to other men more. They need to share their feelings and become safe spaces for each other. Men talk, but they don’t talk. They don’t share their worries, or their problems, or their emotions (whether good or bad). They don’t have the deep conversations that allow them to truly understand each other beyond the tough layers they show the world. Often times women become burdened by their male friends’ or partners’ emotions because they have the emotional intellect to spark these conversations but the men don’t have the proper outlets to have them otherwise. Many women express how men thank them for having a “deep” conversation when the conversation, to them, was just surface level. It didn’t dive into anything that wouldn’t normally be mentioned to friends. Women are tired of being harmed when a man explodes and are tired of trying to claw their way into their emotions. They’re tired of trying to understand their partner. They’re tired of having to do the dirty work to understand their emotions. Men need to work with their friends and teach the future generations that it is okay to display emotion and talk about their feelings. Men need to take accountability for themselves.

I will not sit here and say that men are never dismissed by other women for expressing their feelings. Sometimes women do shame the men in their life for crying, or sharing sad thoughts, or sharing negativity. It happens and it is unfortunate to the those that have experienced these situations. Situations like this lead people to closing off their feelings and it may take time to feel comfortable sharing again. But I implore those who have gone through dismissive partners, family, and friends to visit therapy if possible and not not give up on sharing your feelings when you feel safe.

Men need to learn that it is okay to cry when you’re overwhelmed. It is okay to be frustrated with life. It is common to struggle. But there needs to be incremental releases so that you are not burdened with your own struggles until it comes bursting out. It is not a healthy coping mechanism to push things down until they cannot be pushed further. This only represses and strengthens trauma and helps hide it in the recesses of ones mind. Talking helps. And if there is no one to talk to — write. Speak aloud. Create. Find an outlet. We are not all fortunate to be close to family, or to friends, or to have a partner but there are many ways to re-invest your emotion. Finding something that allows you to either express or that makes you happy will be a good step in regulating your emotions and building on your happiness.

Men — do not call yourself weak for experiencing or showing emotions. The way you talk to yourself matters and will shape the way you feel. If you tell yourself you are weak then you will believe that you are nothing but weak. But if you tell yourself that you are sad, but it is okay to be sad and that it will pass — then you will believe that happiness is to come. You will build your self worth. You will build your optimism. So much can be improved by the way you talk to yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy and you should not think you are the exception. No one is the exception when it comes to deserving happiness.