“If he wanted to he would” is a dangerous sentiment that I see regurgitated endlessly online. I’d like to break down this phrase so that we can understand why I believe this catch-all phrase shouldn’t be used as advice, and how we should structure our conversations instead. As a disclaimer this is advice for anyone in the relationship but I will keep the original wording of the phrase as is and speak on the relationship in a neutral format.

Before we get into the analysis I want to take the time to reiterate an important concept. It is imperative that you do not conflate your own relationship with gestures and posts seen online. People will almost always show the glamorous and happy sides of their relationship. It becomes really easy to compare your own relationship with what you see online, but you must remember that peoples accounts are carefully curated. You will almost never see the arguments, the mistakes, the conversations, the growth, etc. Relationships are not, and will not, be perfect or easy no matter how much you think they are based off movies, social media, or how couples portray themselves in public: even if they are your friends.

• If he wanted to …

Let us expand this statement into a constructive question. What does it mean for your partner to “want to”? Want to what?

• Does he want … to put in the effort to help meet my needs?

I would hope so. One of the foundations of a relationship is meeting ones needs. And effort is this key driving force to making it happen. You should never stop dating the person you are with. What I mean is: you should not stop putting in the effort to make your partner feel loved, wanted, and connected. So the first thing to look at is effort: do you believe your partner is putting enough “effort” into the relationship? If your gut instinct is no or maybe then it is worth evaluating why it is you feel that way.

There are many reasons we may start to feel as if our partner is not putting in enough effort: maybe they put in a ton of effort beforehand and not so much anymore or maybe they never did in the first place and you are now realizing you’ve been carrying the burden of the relationship. It is here that we must start looking at ourselves, rather than our partners, to understand what it is we need. If we don’t know what we need then there’s no way we can expect it from our partner. People may be wooed by posts of someones partners buying them bouquets, or cooking for them after a long day, or planning a weekend adventure, etc. It may be tempting to see these nice and thoughtful gestures and tell your partner: I wish you were more like that or why can’t you be like that? But it is not constructive. It is completely valid that your feelings are hurt if you feel neglected or unloved but we have to practice effective communication.

• … he would.

Let us expand this to: he would if he understood.

So lets get back to figuring out what we want. Lets say you see a post of a romantic date someone went on and you wish your partner would take you out on such dates: what part of this do you want? It’s possible you may want your partner to:

1. start planning more dates (if any) because you plan the majority of them

2. plan more involved/diverse dates if you feel like your dates are getting boring or monotonous

3. plan a spontaneous date

4. pay for the date

These are just a few examples but I want to practice being specific with the issue rather than generic statements of: I wish they did this (insert post here) for me.

If you see posts of someone getting presents and it makes you jealous then you should tell your partner that you like receiving random gifts because it makes you feel like your partner is thinking of you. It makes you feel like your partner understands who you are. It makes you feel like your partner is paying attention to your tastes. I think both stating what you want and how it makes you feel gives proper context in conversation. Explaining how it makes you feel or why it makes you feel that way has a better way of sticking with your partner.

Peoples love languages aren’t all the same, and their ways of showing love are not the same either. People grow up differently. Some people may see physical touch as love and some think gestures are acts of love. Some people don’t like receiving gifts at all as it makes them uncomfortable, etc. You should not assume that just because your partner doesn’t do a specific thing that they don’t care about you — that may just not be their natural way of showing love.

Growing up my family was poor so we did not receive many gifts for special occasions. As a result I never thought of giving gifts to people as a way to show my love or appreciation. I, preferably, enjoy doing acts of service since that’s how my parents showed us love. I definitely appreciate receiving gifts now but I don’t think they’re as important as other love languages when it comes to making me happy. Conversely there are many people that want gifts to be a staple of their relationship and that is okay too. Any version is okay as long as they are communicated.

Communication is one of the most important tools to making any friendship or romantic relationship thrive. Because everyone is different you must communicate what you want in order to get what you want. No one is a mind reader no matter how much you think people should be or how much you think your partner should know you: you must speak up for what you want. Everyone is deserving of love but everyone is loved in different ways. You must not come into a new relationship with very specific expectations on how your partner must treat you if you don’t convey them.

Lets summarize:

1. Effort is the driving force behind making a relationship work. If your partner does not want to put in effort then there is no reason to be in that relationship.

2. Effort looks different to everyone: what kind of effort do you want? Find out what your needs are and figure out what isn’t being met.

3. Communicate those needs. Be specific! Explain how it feels when those needs are met, explain how it feels when they aren’t met!

Example situation from my college days (this is heavily paraphrased):

My girlfriend and I had a conversation one day because she felt that we didn’t spend enough time together. I didn’t think this was true, I came over to hers a few times a week!

Her: I’m upset we don’t spend much time together.

Me: What do you mean? I come over a few times a week.

Her: Yeah but I wish we spent more time together.

Me: I’m pretty busy and still see you a few times how can I see you more than that?

Her: I want to spend quality time together. You only come over at night so we don’t get to do much together.

I understand this is a pretty juvenile experience but this is an issue that many relationships/situationships face today. I used to think that just putting in the effort to come to her place and hang out before sleeping was quality time. To me that was good enough. But what she was really looking for was for me to come to hers earlier in the day so that we could do an activity together or talk more in person. I was hardstuck on the fact she wanted more time together: which in my head meant coming to hers more than 2-3 times out of the week which wasn’t logistically feasible. But what she meant was spending more time together during the existing 2-3 times I was already coming over. I also believed that just texting was good enough to feel connected because in my head if we text all day and I know everything that’s happening then it must mean we are close. But for others that lacks the intimacy that comes with in-person conversations and time. Furthermore, by coming over at night we were both exhausted from our busy days so it was hard to give each other 100%. Maybe we were too exhausted to do an activity or maybe too emotionally drained to deal with the other. Overall it made her feel like I didn’t actually want to spend time with her and made her feel unconnected. From there we were able to work on fitting in more time in our schedules to see each other in person, figuring out the types of activities we wanted to do instead of just spending time in bed or watching a show before sleep. It is not always about how often you see each other: people are busy, I get it, but it is the type of time you spend together when you make the time to spend it.

To some this may seem like advice to just give into whatever your partner wants no matter what but that is not true. When it comes to the needs of the relationship you must hear your partner out and find out the compromises you can make. Some changes are easy, some are not, and some are impassés that you must either learn to live with or decide are dealbreakers. Everyone in the relationship is encouraged to communicate what they want. Some people may just inherently have more needs than another and that is okay. You may even call them “high maintenance.” But everyone deserves love. Everyone needs love in different ways. Please be respectful, understanding, and patient with your partner.