To “friend zone” someone is to explicitly view that person as a friend without any potential of ever becoming romantic. To be “friendzoned” is to be barred from a romantic chance with someone. I’m here to tell you that I don’t believe the concept of friendzoning exists.

I see a lot of men online complain about the friend zone and women talk about how often they “need to” do this to their male friends. However, friendzoning is just applying a concept of setting boundaries: where you do not wish to pursue anything romantically with someone. This is not to say that these boundaries are forever since feelings are ever changing, but this is not to be mistaken with a reason to continuously pursue someone who has made their boundaries clear. Allow me to go into more detail onto why these boundaries exist, why “friendzoning” is important, and why it is not the “death of dating” for men.

Why do women “friendzone”?

Experiences shape the way we feel, think, and act. It is the basis for all human beings. Many women have to set boundaries upfront since many of their experiences in the past with, supposedly, platonic male friendships ended up in the man pursuing them romantically. Many women are scared to make friends with new men under the guise that they may try to pursue something romantic. This is not to say that all women believe that all men only want something romantic, but to say that this situation happens enough that it is ingrained as a self-defense mechanism for many women.

Do men “friendzone”?

Of course they do. Subconsciously men (and women) “friendzone” all the time. If they do not find someone attractive then on average they will not let anything romantic happen and will make sure it doesn’t happen.

Why are these boundaries important ?

Men are taught in patriarchy that they need and are owed sex. It is also touted among groups of men as the ultimate prize from a woman. If you are able to have sex with a woman then you “won” and should be congratulated — men wear it like a badge of honor. Besides, and in another article that I will explain more, men look for intimacy in sex. It is a time that they can be vulnerable and honest and open. Men from young ages are taught to pursue women, to help women, to protect them, to take care of them, etc. Society teaches these things, these are not things known from birth. But women are able to take care of themselves and are entitled to platonic relations with others. Men are not owed sex and women should not feel the need to owe men even if they did provide these things. Furthermore, many men do not grow up having many female friends so they may mistake friendliness for intimacy. They do not understand the thoughts of other women and therefore will misinterpret common interests as personal interest. They do not have female friends to turn to in order to better understand the female mind. Therefore with so many men mistaking certain qualities as interest and prizing a relationship/sex over everything then these relationships start to look objectifying. If men are taught to pursue women for sex and to provide then no wonder women feel harassed, used, and disrespected. If you are constantly being objectified instead of respected of course women would be at their wits ends. Women just want to have friendships with people who share common interests are interested in them as person not for romance. Friendships are important for everyone to grow socially, mentally, and emotionally and no one should be afraid that others are only friends with them for romance and sex. Men should not objectify women to pursue them.

What does this mean for modern dating?

I want it to be clear that setting these boundaries not problematic in the slightest. No one is entitled to anyone’s romantic feelings or body just because they are “nice” or “interested.” However, it is okay, if you are the one being friendzoned, to be upset. It is perfectly understandable to be upset with unrequited feelings because we cannot help our attraction to people. But the actions you take when met with unrequited feelings is what matters and why this discussion is important in the first place. Many people are accosted after simply stating their boundaries of disinterest and it makes them scared in the future to either reject someone’s feelings or to get close to the opposite sex. You should not harass, yell at, spam, abuse, or belittle the other person if you are rejected. You should never hurt someone else or make them feel uncomfortable because your feelings were hurt. It may seem like retribution if the other person is hurt too for making you hurt but no one benefits from actions of pettiness. I recommend learning to manage expectations and your actions if things don’t work out. I am not suggesting to never pursue someone again but that you should be thoughtful of your intentions, make them clear, and be respectful of other’s decisions. Dating is not doomed but we must be cognizant of the issues people deal with when it comes to dating and be respectful of their decisions not to pursue something with you. It can be frustrating if you are constantly being “friendzoned” but dating is not an easy task. Sometimes it takes a very long time to meet the right person and sometimes you just get lucky. But you must remember that we are all people with feelings and we should all be treated with empathy and respect.

To takeaway:

The reason being friendzoned sucks is because unrequited feelings hurt. It hurts to not be wanted and liked in the same manner. The reason friendzoning usually sucks is because it can be awkward and you can lose a friend if you or they decide to end the friendship instead, or the friendzoner may even be harassed. The friendzone is just an application of setting boundaries. Boundaries are meant to be respected.